Home…

Yesterday, after two long, worrisome weeks, Jake withdrew from college and moved home. It was too much, too soon. The university did everything they could, but for now, this was our only feasible choice. It will be ok. Mom, I’m just so tired. We couldn’t find his car keys yesterday, and it was probably a good thing. He slept most of the way home. He slept all afternoon, evening and morning. He feels like he’s getting a head cold. It’s pretty typical this time of the year, and I know a lot of people are suffering. This might possibly be Jake’s first cold. We’ll see if his new immune system can keep it at bay. In the past, he was missing that first line of defense against viruses. Other parts of his immune system had to step up, but it was to do a job that wasn’t really theirs- they were confused and not as effective. So Jake’s colds always ended up in his lungs as pneumonia. His dorm was cold and damp. Even though it’s been a hot fall, he would wrap up in a blanket at his computer desk. I had noticed his pills were damp. A couple of his capsules had melted. I questioned if he had spilled something on them. Their beds felt wet when they went to sleep at night (they have air conditioning), and Jake couldn’t get warm. As much as he wanted to return to a normal life after two years, it just wasn’t time. Maybe living in a dorm will never be an option. He will explore other options soon. He may take a class or two online to ease back into it. My heart is broken, but we will get through this. I thought I would sleep well knowing he was home, but I tossed and turned well past midnight. Nothing is worse than not being able to fix this. Molly wants him to come to her school. It’s 2 and 1/2 hours in the wrong direction from the hospital. Maybe someday, he can check it out. His roommates are going to leave his bed just as it is so he can come stay on the weekends. That’s the hardest part for me. I want him to be with his friends having the time of his life. On the other hand, nothing is more stressful than college classes and living in college housing especially after everything Jake has been through. It stinks, it’s not fair, but for him it was a second chance at life. It will just be different for Jake…not impossible, just different.

Kevin

Yesterday I wasn’t planning to go to Terre Haute. But then an emergency arose. I dropped my phone in the sink full of dishwater. I quickly dried it. It worked, at first. When my phone started to malfunction, it became an emergency.  How pathetic that I needed to replace it as soon as possible. I felt totally disconnected. I immediately wanted to call someone, anyone. I could hear text messages coming in, but my screen was dead, and I couldn’t answer them.  It put me on the verge of a panic attack. I had made Jake his favorite cake, filled next week’s pill box (down to 5 meds!), and found his lens for his iPhone camera, so it wouldn’t be a wasted trip. After seeing Jake, which always fills my heart with joy and pride, I made my way to the Verizon store. When I walked in, Kevin approached me first. I quickly judged him as a smooth talker. I was stuck. We laughed at my Samsung Note 3 phone. He pulled out his 5. I told him what I didn’t want. I found one that suited me. we went over to make the transaction. I started to warm up to him, when he fully explained my options. I had been misled by another person when we bought Molly’s phone. I complimented him on his ability to explain it. He had beautiful eyes. He was a little rough around the edges. I wanted to ask him if he used recreational drugs. I refrained. He helped another gal while I was making a decision. He was good with her son. I wanted to tell him he reminded me of Eminen, but I didn’t know if that was a compliment or not. He was growing on me. He got chatty while he was transferring my stuff and completing my transaction. Sometimes this annoys me. He came on a little strong, but I listened to him talk. It confirmed what I could already tell. His life had not been easy. Just recently he met his half-brother. I was 22 and didn’t know I had a half-brother and sister. I haven’t met her yet. He sells Toyota’s. We laughed because we are both in sales. Our dad is a “salesman”.  Actually he’s a con-artist.  He’s been in jail most of my life. My brother said that when he was 3 years old, our dad took him and his sister to rob a gun store. A gun store- can you believe that? The next thing he knew, their car was surrounded by cops. The last time my dad was with me at a “family” get-together was when I was in the 3rd grade.  He wanted me to know that if the credit card reader beeped twice, it had successfully read my card. If it only beeped once, he’d have to re-swipe it. he wanted me to know he wasn’t trying to “double” charge me. He’d started working there at $5.00/hour plus commission. He didn’t even know he was working for commission at first. They had recently changed to $13.00 and hour and no commission. He liked that better. I was proud of Kevin for having a job, knowing his stuff, and taking pride in himself. I wondered what his mom and his home were like. Don’t tell me a dead-beat dad doesn’t have a lasting effect on his kids. Kevin was trying to do the right thing, but how long would he be able to survive on $13.00/hour?  I hope he is able to stay afloat and do well. When I was getting ready to leave, Kevin handed me his business card. Please call me for anything.  He shook my hand twice. Thanks, Kevin…do well, young man.

Words

The other day I was at Walmart, and I came up on a mother telling her child, if you don’t stop, I’m going to take your shoe and beat your face in. He looked at me, and that caught her attention. She turned enough to see me in her peripheral vision with such a snarl on her face, I quickly moved on. My thought was another child living in hell on earth that will grow up a continue to repeat this vicious cycle. I don’t have faith he will rise above it. I could only imagine how broken down he already was. What had he done to provoke her words? Probably something trivial. Probably just trying to get a little attention. Kids will take any attention they can get from their parents. If negative attention is all they can get, they will behave accordingly.  My dog just pranced by me  twice to get my attention. She had my good flip flop in her mouth. She wants to be chased. So I just spent 10 minutes “chasing” Ellie around the house saying, “Do you have mommy’s flip flop? You give Mommy my flip flop!” She finally ran to me and relinquished it. Now she’s playing with the other 2 dogs. Of course I said it in my sing song voice, and her tail was held high as she pranced around in pure joy of our game. Nothing like the mom at Walmart. It saddens me that my dogs are treated better than a lot of innocent children. This summer  I was having pizza when a baby caught my friend’s eye. I turned around just in time to hear the mother hiss at the 3 year old sibling, “Shut the f*#k up!” She locked eyes with me for a second, and I wonder if she could read my mind. How many good things would it take to undo those words? 500? 1000?  There are so many good teachers who are providing a safe, positive respite for many children, yet these parents are the ones who will also be at the school the first time their kid whines that school is hard, they got in trouble or their teacher embarrassed them. That was always my personal favorite. The kid who acted out the worst, seeking that attention they were lacking at home. Seeking positive discipline was more like it. Yes, folks- kids crave positive discipline from their parents. If disciplined at school, those parents were the first to run to the school and demand restitution for their child. Ah, the child finally gets that attention they so desperately need. I don’t understand how everything can be so heavily regulated except having kids and being a good parent? I can’t fix it. It just makes me sad…