Bittersweet

Sunday night, at midnight, I found myself at my kitchen table with my daughter and 3 of her childhood friends. We had a wonderful talk and covered many topics like we had many times in the past. This time was a little bittersweet. They realize soon they will all 4 be in different cities. They are excited, nervous and a little scared, and they know they will miss each other. They want to make the most of this summer. They came to the realization that they need to put each other first, not a boy. I am proud of their wisdom. I was not so wise. I based my own self worth on having a boyfriend. Many of us make that same mistake. I was probably close to 30 before I really appreciated the value of having girlfriends. At one of my bff’s wedding, 11 years ago, I made a toast. Just when the bride was expecting me to mention her,  I toasted my husband. It was totally off the cuff; I hadnt planned to say it. It went something like this- and lastly, I want to thank my husband. A few years ago, some would have said I had it all- a career, a husband, a child, a home, but I was missing something very important. I didn’t have a best friend. Lisa came along, and I want to thank my husband for understanding and allowing me to have her. We chatted on the phone, went shopping, decorated her new home. I spent a lot of time with her, and he was ok with it. He knew it made me a better person to have her in my life. Later I fixed her and her husband up on a blind date and we double dated. Now my daughter babysits for her boys. I didn’t know how to be a good friend when I was younger. I would blow off my friends in a second to see my boyfriend. The person who should have been my bff for life works in the adjoining hospital to where I’ve been the past 2 years with my son. She only walked over once to see us. It was awkward. I blame myself. I’m proud that my daughter has been a good friend to her friends since preschool. She has a wide variety of friends, and she is seldom alone. She has learned to love herself without a guy to depend on. She will meet new friends, but she will forever cherish her childhood friends. I imagine a few of them will remain close no matter where they live. I have a lot of friends, and I have been able to rekindle a relationship with another old friend that again should have been nurtured and protected over the years. I am thankful for our class reunions to allow me to see some of these dear people. No matter where you are or who you meet, there will always be a special bond with those childhood friends….

Seen

Obviously I like Facebook. I really have used it as a way to keep people updated on Jake. I would post more about my daughter, but she reports me to Facebook. She claims that they will eventually kick me off. I try to be careful. I have deleted posts. I have unfollowed some and blocked a few people. For the most part, I think social media is great, but I have a couple of pet peeves. Number 1 is the incorrect use of grammar. I have definitely, unknowingly made mistakes. I try to proof what I type, and I am horrified when I realize I made a mistake. The incorrect use of saw and seen is grossly overused. I saw her. I saw you. We saw you yesterday. You only, and I repeat, only use seen with a helping verb. I have seen you. We have seen her. We had seen that before. They were seen at the scene of the crime. It is absolutely incorrect to ever, and I repeat ever, say, “I seen you.” “We seen her.” Please stop. Please stop today. Learn to use saw and seen. Also please, please, please stop copying and pasting other people’s words. My brother called me not long ago and was concerned our sister was suicidal.  She had posted a lengthy post about depression and suicide. It looked legitimate. Had I not seen it 10 other times, posted by 10 other people, I too might have been concerned.  (Did you notice the correct use of seen? The helping verb was seperated from the verb, but it is there- had seen.) Someone wrote that post, but they didn’t sign it; they deserve credit. Share it, but don’t take credit like it is your original post. Write a comment at the top before you share it. I saw this on Facebook,  and I think the message is powerful. Please read and share. You did not write it- don’t take credit. Do not say, I seen this post. That is grammatically incorrect.  Write your own original thoughts, check your grammar, don’t copy and paste without giving the author credit. Cancer, suicide, Alzheimer ‘ s, handicapped parking spaces, food allergies, etc. are all important topics. Do not get all fired up and start posting the hate comments because you have missed the point of this blog. Let’s review my point (s) one more time. Share your own original thoughts about these topics. Give credit if you share someone else’s words and use correct grammar. Thank you!

Flo rida

I’ll never forget the day one summer at the Paddle Club. The girls were in the pool having a great time; the moms were visiting; it was a beautiful day. Then all the girls seemed to suddenly stop and break into song. “I kissed a girl, and I liked it.” Who was this? Katy Perry. Never heard of her – she’s an idiot. Stop singing this song. That’s not even funny. Aside from that song, I ended up being a Katy Perry fan, and she ended up being a mega star. Later we had a group of girls at a summer camp. Shush girl, shush your lips, do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips. Omg! One mom suggested the song was about rape. I didn’t know, but I knew enough as they sang every lyric in the back of my van. One day my sister was singing the lines from another popular song. Do you even know what that song is about? S and M…kinky sex…her eyes popped open. I’ve never been one to focus on the lyrics until my 5th grade baby girl was belting them out. One day Molly and I were shopping. “Mom, can I get some Apple Bottom jeans?” Depends, where do you get them and how much? “I think they have them at Justice.” We walked in and were greeted by 3 young salesclerks. Do you have Apple Bottom jeans? They looked at each other. For my daughter- I pointed at Molly. I’m sure it’s some trendy thing her friends all have. I’m not going to pay a fortune for them. If you don’t have them, do you know where we can find them ? I assumed it was a brand like Pink, Ugg or Hollister. Two of the girls looked at each other, shifted nervously, one of them smiled.  They nodded in agreement as to whom would tell me what needed to be said.  “Apple Bottom is not a brand. I don’t know if any jean is even marketed as ‘apple bottom’.  It’s a thing.” I looked at her, confused. She kind of made a hand gesture in an attempt to make it a visual. It’s a shape of a body part.  Your daughter definitely doesn’t have an apple bottom. You don’t have an apple bottom. She was struggling. The other 2 were trying to hold it together. One of them finally asked, “Where did you even hear of it?” I looked at Molly. A song. Shawty’s got her apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur, the dance floor is looking at her…they no longer could contain their laughter. One of them finally spelled it out a little plainer using more hand gestures. “You know a booty- a big booty. It’s a hip-hop song. It finally became clear to me. I still occasionally hear that song, which is pretty catchy, with the Reebok ‘ s with the straps, and I giggle about the first time Molly actually asked me for a certain type of clothes…oh Molly…

The Jones

I have never felt the need or desire to keep up with the Jones, Kardashians, or anyone else. 12 years ago, my sister built a new house. They got a very good deal, and I was happy for them. My mom wondered why we didn’t build a new house. I like our house. It’s big enough, great location and the price was right. 3 times we bought houses when it was a buyers’ market. We’ve remodeled and decorated at a price we could afford. If the bank said we qualified for a $1500.00/mortgage, we felt more comfortable with a $500.00 one. My kids have wanted things, and they’ve been given plenty. Could we go buy a 30,000 dollar car for our kid? Sure. We could finance a new house, new cars, lots of name brand clothes and accessories. We could have lots of things. If we made all the payments every month, we might even kid ourselves into saying we can afford these things. But at what price? The price of college educations, retirement, a rainy day? Yep, we’ve saved for a rainy day. We’ve had a few rainy days. My purse is a Betsey Johnson. She’s a NYC designer. It’s a cute purse. I bought it last fall, on sale at Steinmart-not because it was Betsey Johnson, it could have been Betsy Ross for all I cared. I bought it because it was cute and on sale. Big time on sale. I was proud of my daughter the other day. She needs a carry on bag for college. I was planning to spend between $100.00-200.00. She called me the other day. Hey mom, I found a carry on bag I really like. “How much?” It’s half price. “How much?” 60.00. “Perfect – go for it.” Maybe I’ve rubbed off on her. My favorite two sayings have been. “Just because you can afford it, doesn’t mean you should buy it. She loves her $15,000.00 used Nissan Sentra just as much as the $30,000.00 car she thought she wanted. And my other favorite saying is, “Just because someone has it, doesn’t mean they can afford it.” There are too many people living a lie, up to their ears in debt, no savings. We all have the dream of giving our kids the moon, but we need to consider the real cost of giving them everything…

Welfare

My Facebook friend posted his opinion about able-bodied Americans refusing to work and mooching off the government.  I didn’t disagree, and I thought about commenting. It’s not that simple though. Working in the pharmacy for less than 10.00/hour has made me consider other things. First of all, I’m all for getting some assistance -when deserved. A mother finds herself alone and without child support. A job in retail will not cover food, let alone daycare, housing, medical insurance,  etc. I’m all for her receiving assistance. I think the new housing in our town is fantastic. But mom needs to work, stay off drugs and do everything in her power to enable her children to do better. I’m all for assistance if Dad is laid off or loses his job until he gets back on his feet. I’m all for him getting assistance if he gets a job for lesser pay. He is working. He is making the effort. Again, he must be working, stay off the drugs and do everything in his power to enable his children to do better. That’s the way it should be, the way it was intended. That has become a fantasy from the 1950’s. Here’s the reality. “I’m going to have another kid to get another check. I’m going to push for an IEP. If my child is labeled with a learning disability, I get more money. If I can get the doctor to prescribe my kid with an ADHD medication, even better. I can get this medicine for free, and make a profit selling the pills on the street. No kid of mine is going to show me up. If you think your going to college, by God, you’re wrong. Who do you think you are?” Here’s another scenario. “I took a job at the local factory. I hate it there. I had to miss my kid’s parent/teacher conferences and my aunt’s funeral because I can’t miss work. They don’t care. I now have health insurance, but I can not afford my copay because I have a $4000.00 deductible. I have lost my government assistance.  I’m married, but my wife would be better off without me. Then my wife and kids could qualify for medicaid, food stamps and financial aid. I was better off not working. I turn to alcohol to escape the reality of my life. I’m so ashamed, but I don’t know where to turn. I take it out on my wife and kids.”  We do have a problem in our country. Our welfare system does help some who are deserving. But there is no doubt it has become a multigenerational way of life. It’s being grossly abused.  The heartbeat of the big city hospital my son stayed in was the inner city workers who kept things going. They cleaned, parked cars, took care of my son, did the laundry, answered the phone, made appointments, etc. They are working. They are working for low wages. The hospital could not open without them.  Not everyone is going to go to college and earn a high wage. The country can’t sustain that. I think the people most deserving of government assistance are the people who are trying. How do we break this cycle? We should be frustrated, but we obviously haven’t found the answer. I think taking away assistance when someone gets a job is counter productive. I think we need to focus on rewarding people for being drug free and holding a job…

Why me…

Only once has Jake asked, “Why me?” Here is what I said. Jake, we all have something we go through that is difficult. Some people have many. We can’t always look at someone and see what they’ve been through. Granted most of us don’t experience a bad, life changing experience when we are 18, but we all have them. It came out of my mouth without me really thinking about it. Ironically,  I’ve never asked, “Why Jake?” People have suggested I’m strong. I have been, I suppose, but mainly I’ve just done what needed to be done. Tonight I went to the Marsh grocery store in the downtown of a big city. I’ve never lived in a big city. There was certainly nothing heroic about me going there, but it was a new experience. It was out of my comfort zone, but I did what I had to do. Jake wants to know if our temporary, downtown, close-to-the-hospital apartment has a hot tub. Jake, I don’t think a hot tub is healthy at this point, but I’ll check it out. That’s what we all do. When life throws stuff at us that we didn’t expect, we either deal or we don’t.  When Jake was critically ill 2 years ago, I said to myself, “Maybe Jake had to get this sick so the doctors could figure out what’s wrong.” We certainly didn’t expect this, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but we’ve dealt with it. We’ve had a lot of great support. We all have things, more than what anyone might ever know. I have pages. Treat people with kindness. You can’t always see what they are dealing with. Most people wouldn’t dream about sharing their experiences in a public forum. I’m comfortable sharing, I always have been. I’m not trying to save the world, but if someone can relate or feels less alone, it’s worth it.

Someone knows

Drug abuse has been getting a lot of attention in our small town. We have a new sheriff, and weekly drug arrests are on the rise. It brings up discussion. Many are thrilled the police are cracking down; others are upset when the offenders seem to get off with no consequences. Mothers want their children to go to rehab, not jail. Others have buried their babies…the community wants the drug abuse to end. It is horrible, but sadly not a  new problem. We point fingers at each other trying to place blame. We’re too late. These drug addictions did not begin yesterday.  Why did they start at all? Boredom, coolness, escape from pain? Chances are they first used alcohol. Maybe in the 4th grade, maybe in the 8th grade, definitely in high school. For some it wasn’t enough. They inhaled, smoked, ingested, snorted and potentially injected other drugs – with their friends. There were warning signs. You caught them in lies. You didn’t  like their new friends. You fought…a lot. They probably stole from you. You eventually had to bail them out of jail. By then it was way out of control. They have done the unthinkable to get high. Your daughter has prostituted herself to feed her habit. You talk them into a rehabilitation program, but you cannot make them stay. The truth is this started many years ago. Many years ago. You didn’t see it. You were possibly in denial. By age 3, children learn how to lie to their parents. They have already learned how to manipulate you to get their way. They cried, and you picked them up. They learned. The biggest mistake a parent can make is to believe their child won’t lie to them. The other mistake is to believe everything your child says. Your child’s friends know what is going on. Chances are so do their teachers. One of them might actually make the mistake of telling you what they know. You say you want to know, but you don’t really. You are mad and angry that so and so would suggest your child would do something like that. When you confront your child, they reassure you that it isn’t true. You are relieved. You now avoid that horrible person who suggested your child did something wrong, dangerous or illegal. They don’t like your child. They are probably jealous. Trust me. Someone knew a long time ago that your child was in trouble. Someone might have even tried to tell you. You may have even known yourself.  The time to stop addiction is before it starts. If you have children, educate yourself. We have access to information. Don’t rely on the schools to prevent drug abuse. If someone tries to tell you something they’ve heard about your child, listen. Get them help immediately. You may fail, more than once. There is no evil like drug addiction. Someone knows what’s going on, but we don’t have the guts to tell you…

Trial…

I have recently been in touch with a boy I went to high school with. He’s a man now, and I haven’t seen him for 30 years or more. I got a message from his sister that his daughter had a bone marrow transplant as well. I reached out to him. This morning he sent me a message that his daughter had been interviewed and was on television.  She’s a sweetheart, who has been through too much for her young age. She was diagnosed with leukemia at age 8. She fought and won, or so they thought. At 13, she had another bout with the disease, and this time they decided the transplant was her best chance. I don’t know all the details, but I knew her father was the donor. I realized today, that he was not a perfect match. I don’t know if they couldn’t find a perfect match in the bone marrow registry, or if he was still her best option because he was a biological donor.  His daughter became part of a trial. They injected her with t-cells from her father to help her body fight infections while recovering. They had determined her leukemia was caused by a chromosomal abnormality.  So was Jake’s. The capability to determine this is very new. The doctor in the interview stated that they had been working on the right amount of t-cells to give patients; and they were celebrating her success.  It is part of a 7 year trial. Likely it will be longer before they can publish and deem this an ordinary practice. I will tell Jake’s doctor about her. Another girl I went to school with was part of a clinical trial several years ago. She had breast cancer that spread. The mother of 3 young children was doing remarkably well on the trial drug, but her trial ended. She had signed the legal documents and nothing could be done. The drug that gave them hope was taken away from her. She died a few months later. When Brittany Maynard decided to end her life last year because of her terminal brain tumor, I thought, Wait! They are running trials. They are injecting patients with live polio virus, and it is showing promise… we had lost a young mother in our town and a beloved newscaster to this same type of brain tumor.  Maybe someday it will be curable. But not for them. Many of us have no idea  the years and the patients involved to bring a new drug or treatment to us. Yay, Kylie! You are so brave; you are a hero! You are paving the way for future patients. You are back in school, and I’m sure your parents are so proud and thankful…bless you!

Wishes

Jake is bald. I was looking at his head today. There’s a pretty good scar from an ice skating accident in the 5th grade. It was stitched up in the ER. They didn’t do a very good job, probably thought it would never show. There are a couple of disc shaped objects under his skin. It is the ventricular shunt they put in January 9th, 2015. I could feel it before, but now I can see it. There is a decent sized, semi-circular scar where they lifted up the scalp to place the shunt. If he ever has male patterned baldness,  it will be visible. His spine is very pronounced. He is 143 pounds.  There are 4 scars from the lung biopsy and an abdominal scar where the pump drains into nowhere specific. He literally has no calf muscles left. He walks slowly and was given a cane to steady himself. He decided using the cane was harder than he thought. He walked for 6 minutes. He was glad, but longs to ride his skateboard. He has come back from this twice before…he’s asking me questions about things that he has been dreaming about. His dreams are vivid, realistic. He will fall asleep instantly. His body twitches and jerks. Sometimes he reaches out and talks. It would scare the hell out of us, but when he wakes up, he’s there. He talks and thinks normally. Yes, this is the 3rd time that he has been broken down, starved, drugged, pumped with medications with frightening side effects.  You can do it, Jake. You can regain your strength, your balance, your cognizance.  Your hair will grow again, your muscles and strength will return. Maybe this latest treatment with take away the neuropathy pain in your toes. You rated the pain a 2.  That in itself is a blessing. Within a year, you will stop taking the drugs fighting the infection in your lung, the prophylactic antibiotics, antiviral and antifungal won’t be needed, your body won’t reject the transplanted cells and the immune suppressants can be tapered off. Hopefully the pain medicines will be gone, no more pills! No more weeks in the hospital. Your sister’s cells, God willing, will find their way into your marrow and will thrive, providing you with a new healthy immune system. And you will look and feel normal. You will be back at school, beautiful,  healthy and happy…

FILTHY…

Several years ago, Molly and I were at Wal-Mart. I stopped and embraced an unusually dirty young man. I hadn’t seen this kid for several years. When we parted, Molly innocently asked, “Mom, was that guy homeless?” I laughed. “No, he just was at work.” At work… I was so happy to see him; to know he had a family; he had a job; he seemed happy. I first met this kid when he was in junior high. He was quiet, angry and seemed untouchable.  He disappeared pretty quickly- he was transfered to an alternative school. I had his brother the year before. I had a rapport with him. He started his school year right after being in a car accident that took the life of his friend. The friend was supposed to be in my class too. They had taken his father’s car for a joyride and wrecked it. I tried really hard to help him that year. Where do you picture yourself in 5 years? “Prison…” unfortunately he was right…The young man I hugged at Wal-Mart came back to my class his 8th grade year. He had long hair, was quiet, and not angry, but he refused to do his work. He had a smart, sweet girlfriend, but school didnt motivate him. After a few weeks, I dropped a note on his desk. He read it. I know things have been pretty rough. I want you to know that I care about you and your siblings. I am here if you need anything. I will do anything I can to help you graduate, but you have to try too… slowly he started to do his work. I was kind to him. He never talked to me as much as his brother had, but he was trying.  All the 8th graders had to write graduation speeches.  They used numbers instead of their names so the judges would choose fairly. I know his girlfriend probably wrote his speech. I encouraged the kids to ask for help. They just couldn’t copy a speech from someone else. He was chosen to deliver his speech at graduation. Some of the teachers were horrified….I should have never allowed his speech to end up as a top contender. He was not an example of the type of kid who delivered the graduation address. I was tickled pink! I ran up to him to deliver the good news. He was very nervous, but he gave the speech that night. Never was I more proud. Later when he was in high school, I received a letter from him thanking me. I also received a letter from his brother from a jail in southern Illinois.  They both recognized and thanked me for caring. The brother in jail apologized that he didn’t do better with his life. They had a rough childhood. It was up to them to try to crawl out of that hole. I was just a little piece of it. I don’t think the majority of us have any idea how awful some of these kids truly have it…