Other peoples’ problems

This morning I woke up with a Golden retriever laying across my chest, and Dave unloading a problem from work on me. I’m that person. I get to carry the burden of what’s troubling him. Who else is he going to talk to? I don’t want it- not today. Not this week. I can’t handle it. Temporarily though I’ve allowed it to eat away at me all morning. I want to be able to fix it for him. I really want to go out on my back patio and scream and yell and cry. Jake was mad at me this morning. He yelled at me and refused to say good bye as he left for his new job. I had talked too much. How do you feel? Why are you coughing? You look so handsome! Can I take your picture? He was already irritated just by me existing, but asking to take a picture was too much. He looked so handsome in his khakis and royal polo with his name tag “Jacob”. I have been analyzing and worrying about every cough, every bite of food, every minute he’s up or sleeping. Use lots of hand sanitizer. There’s all kinds of weird viruses being passed around. Is it a mistake to let him get a part time job? I recently went back to work, and its been a good thing around here. It gives Jake a little respite from me (apparently asking if you want something to eat is hovering). It keeps my mind occupied as well. People seem to be asking a lot this week how Jake is. Ok, I think. He seems to be ok. I’ve been putting on my happy face and not telling the whole truth. I can’t face it. Hopefully it’s not bad. I have to wait though. I have to wait until Monday until his next blood test. His hemoglobin has dropped. It could be one of 3 things. It could be a normal dip that seems to show up when the body’s own red blood cells finally die off. Then it’s just the red blood cells of the donor. It could be because he just went off the anti-rejection medications. We are supposed to watch for signs of host vs. graft disease. There have been signs all along. They are visible around his eyes. The fragile skin on his eyelids cracks and peels. It’s a good thing. It is a sign the Molly’s cells are there, and they have engrafted and are working. But the past week, we were watching for new signs. The third (horribly scary) reason for the hemoglobin to drop is relapse. I’ve avoided saying it for a week, but I haven’t avoided thinking about it. It was about a year ago that his hemoglobin was really low. “I don’t know how he is conscious,” low Dr. S. had said. This is the first time Dr. N. has said anything scary to me. Before, he just kept his mouth shut- kept it to himself- then when the results were ok, he’d tell me later what he’d been worried about. I don’t want to think about relapse, and I certainly don’t want to worry about the petty problems of other people. I want next week to be here, be over with, and be good again…

PS Today I need to focus my thoughts and prayers on Ryley. She’s a senior in high school who has been battling Ewing’s sarcoma. After weeks of chemo, the doctors are operating today to hopefully remove the tumor.

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